Thursday, July 16, 2009

Vanilla or chocolate?

Recently, I've been asked to make a really big, life changing, difficult decision. No, it wasn't choosing a flavor of ice cream. It was chosing between making sure I'm OK and making sure a very important relationship is OK. If I risk losing someone in order to save myself, what happens if I save me? Am I worth waiting for, working with, infinite patience?

Would you chose, if you only had these choices, to bob around aimlessly forever? Or to swim for shore?

I've never been one to swim against the tide. I have spent most of my life trying to improve myself in ways small and large. At the same time, I've been trying to keep my relationships going, come hell or high water. If I work hard enough, after all, everything will be fine. Really. Or so this little voice tells me. Yes, I know that's completely counterproductive. But welcome to the wonderful world of me. I'm complicated.

Everything, my friends, is not fine. It will be fine, don't get me wrong, but today it most definitely is not.

What does fine look like, by the way? Is it moments of peace and bliss and happiness, even if they have a very high cost? Is it being dutiful and responsible and making sure your job is done, responsibilities are met to the best of your ability, even if it tortures your soul to do so? What happens when, in a moment of clarity, you know exactly what you want - and you aren't sure you have the strength to swim to it?

When high water hits and you dont have a boat, what do you do? (Does anyone have a life vest handy? I never was a very strong swimmer.)

13 comments:

  1. Having been one to always swim against the tide, but also one to make sure I'm OK last, no relationship is worth sacrificing yourself. If you are not OK, those close to you won't be, either.

    PS: Choose chocolate!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's going to sound old, but it's true what they say...first we have to help ourselves before we can help anyone else...even those we love.

    The fact that you're thinking this out and weighing the options is a good sign. You are a strong chica. Whatever you decided to do, I know you will survive...and if you need a life vest, I have one with cute little flowers on it that says "RACH." :)

    Maybe you can wear the vest and we'll go on a 3-day cruise to the Bahamas! It's a great place to think!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fine looks different for different people. I have been fortunate in that for me, fine never involved receiving an ultimatum from someone. The one time it did, I walked away and it was among the best things I ever did.

    Wishing you the best in whatever you decide. And if who and how you are is not what someone wants, they will find other issues later even if you change that. You are who you are for good or ill.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry things aren't great today. My gut feeling tells me you know what choice you have to make. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. In the last few months - or after them - I could ahve written this post. Fine is... subjective I suppose. For me... I had to totally let go of a relationsship that has been central to my life for 13 years. A relationship that I loved with a man that I still love. It hurt; I still wonder if the loving thing to do was to let go or to stay; and I wonderful if in selecting to love our daughter and myself I acted out of ego over soul. But the truth is, I had to and have to continue letting go. I can love him best by letting him go; I can love me best by letting him go. Our daughter benefits.

    But how I could have written this post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I keep having this dream where happiness meets me half way. Weird, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  7. There's a reason that you are instructed on an airplane to breathe into your own oxygen mask before putting one on the child sitting next to you.

    Take care of "you" first...and all of the rest will fall into place.

    Good luck. I have plenty of life vests on hand...just say the word.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. I feel likewise too sometimes dear pal and it is a 'struggle' to go wtih my heart yet being tie down by some personal obligation ;(

    Still, you know you have a friend in each and everyone of us here :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. You know, having thought about who this might be, if it's who I think it is, this person is 1) clueless and 2) completely unimportant, and 3) I will step on his nuts if he shows up unannounced again. OK?

    ReplyDelete
  10. RK: OK, OK - chocolate! BTW, you're right about who he is and yes, I like #3. Very deserving of #3!

    Scarlet: Love it. My own life vest. Bahamas require bikinis, right? I'm there!

    Darth: Ultimatums generally send me back to my Betty Page personality - don't mess with me when she's hanging out here.... and I think walking away is best in lots of ways.

    Joey: Yes, you're right. Sometimes, for whatever reason, I find clarity when I write stuff down and can come back to it later.

    Exception: I often find people show up just when they have something you need to hear. Thank you!!

    Grammie: Thank you for the great advice - that's one of my favorite thoughts at this stage in life. I DO get to take care of me.

    Shionge: Thanks for the love!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't know you because I just met you, but Chocolate is ALWAYS the Answer, and taking care of yourself first is the only answer, too....As Shakespeare said: "This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow---like the night the day---Thou Cans't Not Then Be False To Any Man"....not sure this fits exactly but to me it means be true to who you are---all else will follow.

    Would LOVE to have RABIES Visit here when there is a "Ladies Who Lunch"...Our next one is on July
    30th...But, I'm sure there will be one in early September, too....He won't get to see too much of Los Angeles, but he surely will have fun with all of us Ladies....!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Everyone's well-being and happiness is within their own control. I think, sometimes, we give ourselves too much credit when we carry the weight of another's happiness on our shoulders. We can't make anyone happy... only ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I will throw you a life vest!
    You are first and the others will follow even if it does not look like it now.

    ReplyDelete