You mean I have to CHOOSE?

Choices can be challenging for me. I spend a lot of time making things happen - I'm in perpetual motion. Due to that fact, I am rarely in a position where I am moving slowly enough to actually have to choose between two or more like opportunities. Except maybe choosing a gelato, and all I have to do is taste to find a winner.

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

~Robert Fritz

Ouch. My life has been full of compromise and sometimes very little happiness. I have often done things simply because they were the opportunities that presented themselves at a given time. It didn't always work out well.

I have lived life these past couple years by a shoestring, bailing water, making choices based on the needs of the many (the family) instead of the needs of the few or the one (that'd be me). And my choices have brought me here to a very, very large crossroads.


I spent the day yesterday wandering through downtown Portland and photographing interesting architecture. I wasn't in the mood to photograph people on the street, though, even though that had been my original intention. I saw a couple opportunities and decided it just wasn't in me to save those moments in effigy. But I did find out a little bit about myself.

I know what I want.

All sorts of famous people over time have been quoted to say that the biggest part of making a difficult decision is deciding what you want. Everything else should line up properly once you know what it is you want.

If only it were that simple.

Character flaw #1: I do for others. Lots. I'm usually the one making most of the effort and sacrifices and I work really hard to have happy and healthy relationships with all the people in my world. Self-sacrifice can turn around and bite you in the ass when everyone is used to that. I created this monster myself.

Character flaw #2: I'm a Capricorn. As such, I don't take leaps into the unknown without the proper research and a large vat of calamine lotion for those nasty insects you run into on safari. And enough bottled water to survive the end of the world. Sometimes I think I spend so much time THINKING about how I'm going to handle any issues and then HANDLING the issues so I don't really get to live. Not with Joy, anyway. Not with Bliss. Note all the capital letters. These are very important things to me. I was this way even before I had kids, it just got more complicated when they were added to the mix. The running joke in my circle of friends is that if you want to have fun, call me, unless you'd like to have fun TODAY.

Character flaw #3: This is closely related to #1. I worry about how my actions will affect anyone and everyone else. What if, what if, what if. And I try to troubleshoot the obvious, prepare for the hidden issues and basically make sure everyone in the whole world is happy. Content. Joyful. Except, of course, for me, because I'm so busy doing everything I can to make things work out for everyone else that what I want kind of falls off the earth as though it were flat.

I know what I want. It's right here, within reach, and all I have to do is adjust my attitude, my expectations and my dreams. Actually, that's not quite right. All I have to do is ask for it and it will be mine.

I know what I want.

"She crossed borders recklessly, refusing to recognize limits, saying bon jour and bon giorno as though she owned both France and Italy and the day itself."

~Kobi Yamada

Tomorrow, I will own the day