Beginning, Middle, End

Everything has a beginning. Sometimes we can't remember how something started, when it did or even why it did. Middles are just the stuff - the living, the shopping for groceries, the drive to and from work, if you have work. Sooner or later, everything has to end, too. Except hope. A lot of people lose hope or think it's a waste of time. Some people say they don't believe in anything (um, how about your shoes? Do you believe in those?) Being hopeful can be a struggle.

I think, someplace along this windy path of my life, I lost hope in some stuff. Hope for happiness, hope for satisfaction, for goodness. The only hope I had was the bad kind - hope not to fail, hope not to fall, hope not to be miserable - and I ended up being all those things. So now I think about the things I want, not the things I don't.

But I still have my moments.

This has been a most difficult week - even with many good things happening. I just wish someone else could be the grown-up and I could be the little kid again - the one I never really got to be, what with raising a family from the time I was 7 and with a dad with a large mental health issue. Oh, and food to be put on the table. Then my own family with its own issues, all of which weigh heavily on my mind.

So, at 41 years of age, it's time to live for hope again. I hope I get a good job in the next couple weeks. I hope I can quit the terrible part time job I've done for a year and that gives me nightmares. I hope the big things on my list can finally be checked off as "complete" and the need for hope moves into "I hope our vacation is fun", "I hope Sean picks a school with a good basketball team and a cool mascot" and most importantly, "I hope I fall asleep at night knowing life is good, again".

That's something to hope for.