ŏp'tə-mĭz'əm (n).

"The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come."

~Peter Ustinov

I woke up feeling optimistic this morning (someone grab the valium off that girl's nightstand!) I mean, come on. It's a pretty day in Portland, I'm sending gifts off to all corners of the US to share some love with friends and Rabies is off on another adventure. In Miami!!

I have an interview today, another one close on it's heels and sboth of them would take me back to my old neighborhood, a place I was glad to escape. Yes, there may be adventures in moving back, my son would be happy, my daughter, too, probably.

Definition of Optimism:
1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome. (my version: naieve)
2. the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world. (my version: yeah, right)
3. the belief that goodness pervades reality. (my version: um, whos reality are they talking about? Not mine...)
4. the doctrine that the existing world is the best of all possible worlds. (my version: OK, they lost me at doctrine...)

So which one is it? I feel optimistic because I defined what I want and this week I intend to get it, no matter how difficult the task. It's worth it. So totally worth it. But the old me, the one that has accepted every job that happened to fall into her lap is chomping at the bit to take one - take any - just stop having to LOOK. Because, for some reason, my stubborn Capricorn personality doesn't like the hunt. I don't. Not a bit. You go on and do your looking, I'll sit here and wait for something to fall in my lap. Today's horoscope confirms this:

Dearest Capricorn faces the new morning with new vigor. You're still not at the place where you can make big moves, but you're heading that direction. Right now, you're a daily winner and nothing helps you to win more than already being that winner.

But then I have to take into account my horoscope for tomorrow (YES, I looked ahead. I'm a Capricorn. It's what we do!)

Steady Capricorn has put one foot in front of the other walking up the steep hill of life and has just accidentally stepped into a pot of gold. The planets give the Capricorn the time to take a day off from climbing, gather the gold coins you've just found and store them away.

Capricorns don't believe in accidents. We believe in hard work and dedication and that nose-to-the-grindstone gets us where we want to go. There are no coincidences, not any fate, no magic or serendipity.

Wait a minute. I believe in all of those things, just for other people. It's like my belief in them is dictated by my need to be in control of my world and my desire to have them, somehow, keeps them at arms length.

Last night, I had a dream that I was falling. The earth just shook me loose and all of a sudden I was in freefall, arms spread like wings, my sweatshirt trailing behind me. The black high top keds weren't so greatly aerodynamic and I was feeling the pull of gravity. Then, suddenly, the freefall slowed and I floated, gently, thousands of feet above earth. I looked down upon what I want and realized it's right there, I just have to get over the fear of that first, stomach dropping instant where I don't believe I'll stop in time. What if I'm wrong? What if this isn't real? What if the clouds don't catch me?

It's time to go home.