WWBD?

A horrible evening followed a truly hideous afternoon here in pheromone land. If it weren't for best friends like Riot Kitty, the world may come to a screeching halt. Or, a gallon of ice cream might be consumed under the covers.

BUT NO! A new solution has appeared on my horizon and I have developed a new, improved alter ego. And she's badass.

What Would Betty Do? Yes, boys and girls, Betty Page - that maven of rubberized clothing, long before her time a gothic princess in white face and red lips. She kicked butt back in the day - and took crap off nobody. I want to be like her when I grow up mommy! Check it out...

1) Your boss yells at you. Your coworkers snicker behind your back. You have to take ugly, creepy carpet salesmen to lunch and end up groped against your will. Mild mannered Pheromone Girl would only report it to her boss and ask to not have to talk to said creep again. BUT NO! Enter Betty, ruler of her own domain and a couple belonging to strangers.

REWIND: Creepy carpet guy starts his hijinx. Out comes the Betty in you and you smack him in the head with a margarita glass the size of a rhino and laugh all the way out the door. Wow, that felt good.

2) Your children are whiny and annoying. A lot. They won't do what they're told or leave each other alone or even get out of bed sometimes. You try to reason with them and they ignore it. You go to bed, frustrated that they're too old to spank. Or leash.

REWIND: Kids are whining, smacking each other and basically behaving like cave people. Out comes Betty, roaring like a lion, and the kids are so scared you don't even have to crack the actual whip. Twice. But you do it anyway, because you're Betty.

3) You're having a bad day. Yeah, nobody has cancer and everyone has enough to eat, at least for now, and you shouldn't have anything to complain about. But someone to talk to would be nice. However, the male figure that's supposed to take that role is too busy wallowing in his own muck. Spend hours reaching out, sending little messages and being oh-so-syrupy sweet, all the while seething that you are invisible. Designate yourself as invisible in your facebook status. After continuing to be ignored (hello??? anybody out there???), go to sleep and pout.

REWIND: Poor me, boo hoo, life sucks.... and here comes Betty. She shares her bustier collection, paints your toenails black and reminds you that sometimes, you just need the girls. (Go Betty!!)

4) Stupid dog walkers at your park decide to let their dog off leash. Isn't that cute? Except that its making a mess of the duck pond, eating all the flowers and terrifying the ducklings on the bank and basically making a nuisance of itself. You try to be reasonable and talk to the owners with no luck. Go inside and debate the merits of living in a high rise.

REWIND: Betty emerges, leash in hand, and proceeds to tie the dog to the pole in the center of the casting pond. Owner has a choice - wade out about 50 feet in unsanitary, green, slimy water to rescue the dog paddling pet or let it drown. Betty recommend the latter. One less golden retriever in Portland would be no big loss.

5) At a meeting, a stupid, bigoted, slightly insane person starts threatening you and spewing toxic garbage. You spend the next ten minutes getting the meeting back to order and trying to get the moron to shut up. A martini is the only thing that saves your sanity.

REWIND: As the idiot starts to scream at you, Betty enters quietly from the laundry room. The stupid little bigoted bitch doesn't see the whip coming, but she'll feel the welt when she wakes up tomorrow.

Oh, my. I like this Betty. And talking about her just makes me feel better. I think I'll save her for next time and ask myself "What would Betty do?"