Surviving - what?

The big headline today at yahoo news is the recent interview (by Oprah, of course) with Elizabeth Edwards. About her husband's affair - and how it's not his fault.

OK, sore spot with me, based on my long time friendship with someone willing to be "the other woman" I know, but this kind of crap being considered news is a very sad thing. First of all, does she really believe this is the first and only time? Sounds like it from the sound bite. Poor John, he was "targeted" by the woman, of course how could he resist? Because he is, after all, just a man.

*just for clarification purposes, I firmly believe that most men don't cheat - I just abhor those that do and especially those that do and try to weasel out of responsibility*

I would like to believe that people who are committed to each other can walk around in the real world and - oh, I don't know - resist temptation? Have a moral center? It makes me think that there should be 5 questions you have to answer truthfully before you're allowed to get serious about someone. And married or not, once you've made the "you're with me, baby" comment, I think this should apply. Call me old-fashioned.

Hey - maybe they'll make this into a chemistry.com commercial? I'm playing the part of Elizabeth. Enjoy the show.

1. I promise to be the best person I can...
OK, wait a minute. That's too broad. And stupid. Let's try again.

New, improved #1:
No matter how hot she or he is, and even if they show up at my office in a bikini/speedo/toga/trench coat, I will never, ever touch another person "that way". Unless you tell me to. Which we all know isn't going to happen. And sitting next to someone who is going through cancer treatment and being supportive during that trying time does NOT give me a free pass to mess around when they're better. Or while they're sick. Will you agree to that, John, with God and our $300 an hour marriage counselor as witness?

2. Those little traits I find so cute about you now? I promise to still pretend they're cute even when they feel like nails on a chalkboard. Because they will. Especially the way you leave empty cartons of stuff on the shelf in the kitchen. Or drink all the milk then act like it was the dog. Or have affairs and expect that it was an "oops". Or me thinking this must have been the first and only time, poor John... I wonder how you'll look on this leash, because there must be some way to reassure me that this won't happen again. Really. A fluke, that's what it was.

3. I promise you I will never be a victim of our relationship - why would I want to survive it? Shouldn't this be the GOOD stuff in life? Why should you be a victim of it, either? What kind of silliness is that? If you want to be here, then be here. If you don't, then leave - and don't forget to drop off all the cooking, cleaning and child raising done for you on your way out the door to whatever 20-something you think actually wants you in her life, along to the keys to the Navigator and the house in the Hamptons and your checkbook. You should have thought of that sooner. Me? I have a girls week in Tahiti I'm heading for - sans you. And I'll look damn good in my bikini, thank you very much. I'll pick up the drycleaning on the way home, I promise.

4. Those "just friends" male-type people I keep around for entertainment? That's what they actually are. Not that you'd know, since you couldn't stay away from the "wow, you're so hot" girl outside a hotel who gave you her key. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a pedicure and rediscover my self esteem. Don't worry about the bill - you get what you pay for, and you'll pay, John. I'll just work really hard so you'll find me attractive again and you'll never notice those little star fuckers that follow you like paparazzi.

5. Finally, define marriage, please, John. You redefine the whole concept of marriage. Or maybe your idea of this commitment was a little different than mine (you, I think you go off and do whatever you want to while traveling the world, shaking hands and kissing babies, and I'll sit home and raise your family, cook your meals, and have coffee with my friends. Me? I define myself by this "being John's wife" thing and I've made a commitment and, damn it, I intend to keep it, come hell, high water, or a sleazy girl that "tricked" you into taking off your pants).

Poor John, it must have just been awful. And look, I survived "with my marriage intact". Go me.