Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The end of me



Planning to write about something silly and light, that just doesn't seem to be a possibility with so many things on my mind. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes, writing something here that is difficult to talk about makes the need for talking about it disappear. Free therapy in the form of a keyboard. Not bad.

I've joked before that I'm kind of empathic - I can feel other people's emotions, I know when someone needs me, I absorb the energy of a group or a room or a person. Quite a cool party trick until someone is in emotional pain. Then things get a little dicey.

All these years, I have felt like this was some kind of prize I won. Like it was a cool thing to be able to share someone's joy at that level, to be able to drop everything and give a hug without even needing to be told that it's needed.

Except, of course, for the fact that, just like the character of Counselor Troi on Star Trek:Next Generation, sometimes other's feelings can overwhelm me. Make me feel like I am suffering when I'm not. If I am sick or if I am feeling overwhelmed myself, other people's emotions can add to my own, making me feel like a bird caught in a strong downdraft, spiralling dangerously close to earth before a catch that glorious updraft and right myself again.

I hadn't ever admitted this to anyone before, but this blog started as an assignment. I have a very good counselor that was helping me through some issues with which I wasn't making any headway. She noticed I keep a diary and asked me why I don't blog. Well, at the time I thought I didn't have anything interesting to say. But she told me it didn't have to be public unless I wanted it to, that I could use it like a diary. Writing about something, especially something old and painful, can be cathartic and many times it helps us let go of the last threads of pain that were still holding on. Or so I was told. Funny, she was right.

So I write. I write every day, at least once. Some I post, many I don't. Most are about insignificant little sound bites in my world. Sometimes I don't post them because they're too close to the surface still. I go back and read them again, remembering when I wrote it and I might even post them later, when I'm ready.

A life, by the way, is something I highly recommend all of you make for yourselves. A year ago, when I started writing, I didn't have one at all. I was unemployed with no prospects of any good things, living in a house I couldn't afford in a neighborhood that didn't suit me. I felt very alone. But I found, as time went by, that my definition of good things changed. Time to write, walks with the dog, a phone call with someone important are all things that make my day - and my life - complete. I have so many new friends that I have made in this past year and old friends that have reconnected, the bank that is my heart feels full to bursting.

A year ago, I was mourning the end of me, as I really couldn't figure out who I was supposed to be any more. I guess I was there the whole time, just waiting for the sun to come out again, for the world to give me another chance to fly.

8 comments:

  1. It's odd - I was literally just thinking the other day how much your life has taken flight since we met!

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  2. Hey you. It seems to me there are three subjects here...

    I know very well that empathic thing you are talking about. It has faded--or I have learned to protect myself--with time, but when I was younger, I was like a big sticky for other people's emotions. When I was little it was even worse. It's one of the reasons I drank, just to make it all be quiet.

    I'm so glad you blog. Nothing interesting to say! I find everything you post here intersting, and that's the truth. Rabies' blog is better, yanno, but let's be realistic LOL.

    There have been times in my life when I felt I was at the end. June 1983, when I decided to go to AA. Fall 2000, when I knew my long-time relationship had gone stale. Other times, too. But always, things I couldn't have imagined then, followed.

    I'm glad you're here, glad you're blogging. I think you're a gem.

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  3. To a lot of us, this is the beginning of you:)

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  4. I've only known the new improved you, and I love what you write and how positive you always sound. :)

    I'm like you in that I take on other people's pain and actually I've had to protect myself a bit from doing that because it's taken me down too. I suppose it's a case of self protection as well.

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  5. But I found, as time went by, that my definition of good things changed.In that one sentence you realized something many people never realize. Learning to be happy with what is rather than what we wish was is perhaps the hardest lesson most people never learn. Well done!

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  6. I'm so glad we have become blogging friends. Blessings to you.

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  7. All of you bring so much good into my world. I miss you when I don't see your writing. How cool is it that we can become friends from so far away and feel so close?

    And RK, I blame (and give credit to) you for so many good things in my world. I'm a lucky girl!

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  8. What a great post! I'm so glad that I found you and love that you visit my "life story" so often!

    I am honored to call you "my new friend"...and, look forward to many more fun and insightful posts together!

    Take care...
    xoxo

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