Sentimental Reasons

Anniversary time can be difficult if it's the anniversary of losing someone, or a marriage ending, or any number of unpleasant things.

Today is the anniversary of something interesting that happened in my life. A big turning point that started out as something small.

I was 19 years old and married to a very controlling man. He would follow me places and watch me to see who I was with and what I was doing. He would wait on the curb until I came home from girls nights and grill me and my friends about who we saw, where we went, what we did.

Today is the anniversary of me filing a restraining order against him. And tomorrow will be the anniversary of my first major hospital stay, when he found out about the restraining order and proceeded to break it - and me - into tiny little pieces.

That day in 1989, 20 years ago today, I took the first step toward being my own person and taking his power away. I had learned to be quiet, not rock the boat and to behave myself or else. Or else what? I mean what could he do, kill me?

He didn't. Kill me, that is. He did a damn fine job on my self-esteem and an even better one on my jaw. I sat in the dark hospital room, in shock and unable to even cry, pain dulled with morphine, jaw wired shut. When I'd given him my heart, it did not come with instructions, he'd once said. And I needed to learn how to be a better wife so he wouldn't get so mad at me. If only I'd done what he needed me to do, he wouldn't have lost his temper and hit me. It was my fault.

I have to sit here and laugh about that little girl I once was. The one who believed in the good of all people. Who looked for the good in everyone, no matter how difficult they could be.

A nurse sat with me that night for a while. When she left, a police officer and my best friend sat with me. He had been caught and arrested. I didn't have to testify because their were neighbors who witnessed what he did. Neighbors, by the way who are still my friends and are probably reading this. They can tell you about the girl who lived before May 7th and the girl who lived after May 8th. She was not the same person.

Many people would crumble after such an event. I admit that I can't watch baseball because I hear the sound of bat on ball and it chills me to the core. I admit that I become angry whenever I hear a story of a woman mistreated, the man she goes back to, wishing his "I'm sorry" meant anything more than "come back so I can do it again". There are too many who didn't get the talking to that I did that night, 20 years ago. A man in a blue uniform, a complete stranger, looked me in the eye and said I was beautiful. Even amongst the bruises on my face, he said, he saw beauty and joy and life. "Don't lose today. Don't ever forget that you are strong and powerful and perfect, just the way you are. And anyone who doesn't believe that and cherish you, every minute of the day, does not deserve to walk with his hand in yours."

May 7th is the anniversary of the end of one future I could have had. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the beginning of a new path I chose with the help of a man in blue.

My song for today is "Sentimental Reasons" from the 50s. I sang it all day long, as I felt silly and sentimental about all I've lost. And the abundance I have made room for in giving up pain.

Sam Cook sang "I love you for sentimental reasons... I hope you can believe me, I've given you my heart."

Happy May 7th everyone. Care to sing along?