Blue Suede Shoes

I pulled my old Doc Martins out of the closet recently after having misplaced them in my former abode. They're big, blue and tan suede, with those gigantic rubber soles that are made of this kind of see-through rubbery stuff. I love them and, like most of my attire, found them cheap at a resale shop.

And I got sad. It started with the shoes.

When I was little, we couldn't afford much. We were on food stamps, my dad's work life was often jarred by bouts of manic episodes that caused drastic job changes, we often didn't eat well. Sometimes we didn't eat. That's when I learned to shop cheap and love a good bargain, especially resale.

I swore when I had kids that I would make sure they never wanted for anything necessary - food, shelter, love. That doesn't mean they're getting a car at 16, but to have a settled and content parent with a decent job that makes her happy is not so much to ask for, one would think.

I have paid down most of the horrendous medical bills of the past 18 months on my part time salary, I'm finally done paying for rent, utilities and trash service on two houses, and it's spring. They're filling the casting pond (it's a big man-made pond where fly fishers practice casting that you can see from my window) with water. The ducks will be happy. I wonder if the dog can swim? I can't wait to see the boaters and the boats - little sail boats, small motor boats, kids and moms and dads all with that look on their face that tells you they're thrilled to be acting like an 8 year old again. We all need those moments of respite from the chaos of this world. The park I can see from my front window and gaze at with the little telescope (thanks Keith!) brings calm when I feel out of sorts.

With all these things to look forward to, why am I sad? I think it really comes down to one thing. This is NOT where I wanted to be at 41.

This is where the "supposed to be"'s come in. The dreaded, pain-in-the-ass Capricorn in me makes me feel like a loser.

I'm supposed to be successful at a fulfilling career, a part of a dynamic team that supports and challenges me, makes me feel empowered. The reality is that I work for a bunch of people that complain about everything I do and don't appreciate me - and I make about 1/10th of what I did 2 years ago. On top of that, this job is in jeopardy because, like everyone else, the people I work for are struggling to pay their bills. They may not be able to afford me for much longer.

I'm supposed to be focusing on getting my kid's schooling done well, teaching them everything they need to learn, working on re-integrating them into the school system as I can. Instead, I have the added pressure of permanently homeschooling them, no matter what my job situation ends up being. Right now, we're working on practice GED tests. And they have to be tested at the end of the year to see how we'll I've done teaching them. No pressure there. Oh, and I have to pay for tests.

I have the pressure to build a good life for us here by the beautiful park. I'm making friends with the neighbors, chatting over fences, and walking the dog a lot. I'm also feeling very cut off from the bigger world out there, often feel like the weight of this one is on my shoulders alone.

So, I write. I write when I wake up at 2am and can't get back to sleep because I wonder when the water won't feel full of sharks and shrieking eels and bill collectors. I write when I wonder why I have such a hard time just saying THIS SUCKS and accepting the awful, terrible reality that yes, girl, this is all there is and today will not be a good one if you don't get your expectations in check. I write when I feel whiny and confused and painfully ignorant to the fact that hey - I have it better than most so what am I complaining about? A roof over my head, a car to drive, a dog to walk, food in the cupboards. And then it hits me: it's not the blue suede shoes. Or the stuff. Or the pop tarts. Or the place I live that makes me happy. It's feeling content with what I have.

Contentment seems to be hiding behind a bush today. I hope it comes out soon, this gloomy attitude is starting to piss me off.