Can I just say I've always had a thing for the UPS guy?

The world is a rather strange place sometimes. I'm so excited about my new place (as I cough from the possible asbestos and icky mold that came up with the carpets an my mom proceeded to SWEEP in my general direction) that I hate being stranded in the hills, waiting for the thaw. I almost said spring thaw but am afraid I'd jinx myself...

So here I sit, boxing stuff I don't like, thinking of all the things I need to sell (anyone need a good fridge?) and working laboriously to make Christmas happen for the kids. We put up the fake tree yesterday. No ornaments, but it's a tree. I guess. Remember that Charlie Brown Christmas Special?

Then I looked at the tracking data from UPS for the couple hundred dollars worth of Christmas I ordered from amazon.com early last week. Um - I thought I did the right thing since I couldn't get out because of the storm and figured we couldn't get out much this week due to the move. Now UPS tells me that an act of God has delayed the packages. Do you think God could postpone Christmas for me, then?

So I scrambled - to buy a couple goofy little things to wrap and put under the tree. And, I'm printing pictures of all the gifts they'll get - whenever the UPS trucks dig out. They'll open the right number of boxes, they'll just be empty of the actual item they're getting. I can see it now, "Aren't you excited about the boots, Sara? When they get here..."

But can you imagine the day these guys will have tomorrow - Christmas eve? My doorbell may be ringing at midnight and I may be wrapping until the wee hours - but doesn't that sound like fun compared to the poor drivers from DHL, UPS and Fedex who have been sitting on their hands for days? Who will probably get yelled at when they come to any number of freaked out parent's doors tomorrow? Who will be blamed for the delays in arrival of every pair of jammies, every turtleneck from Lands End? Every Coors neon sign for a 14 year old boy (don't tell Sean) and every black kitty hat for blue haired 15 year old girls? Because, after all, my poor planning (or actually just being poor) becomes their problem when we get 18 inches of snow one day.

I plan to make eggnog - the good kind and the really good kind - and share with anyone who rings my bell tomorrow. And those guys who deliver my packages.... theirs will be the very good kind. My hero, UPS man.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my

I think of the Wizard of Oz when I think of my life at the moment. Flying monkeys and wicked witches with green skin and scary hats don't seem so crazy in the grand scheme of things.

We are the product of our environment, after all. I seem to fall into old patterns when things go sideways - as the past 2 years will prove.

I felt like I don't deserve a decent job

or decent house

or a decent pet

let alone a decent relationship

But my daughter reminded me today, bless her heart, of all the things I DO RIGHT. That's correct. Things at which I do an acceptable job. Are you ready? Join in and make your own list.

1. I can bake cookies. Homemade ones. Chocolate chip, oatmeal, snicker doodle, cowboy, peanut butter, fudge... that, by itself, makes me a good mom.

2. I am infinitely patient. As more than half an hour in a freezing car outside the library, waiting for said daughter to emerge with the latest excuse for taking so long, will confirm.

3. I'm the cool mom. We do fun stuff. Zoo trips to take pictures of poo, homeschooling to include Journalism through the eyes or the readers of the Weekly World News, dog training with steak as motivation, music appreciation via Brian Setzer Concerts at the age of 5.

4. I can make the best of every situation. I'm alone, have little income and a pit bull, but seemed to have found a really awesome new place to call home today. Amazing (see picture, above).

5. I BELIEVE. That good things come to those that work their butts off. That love given is returned tenfold. That there's nothing better than homemade pumpkin pie, a fake tree full of sparkly white lights and a fresh coat of paint on Christmas morning. In 2008. And we won't go without Christmas this year.

6. The future will be what I make it. 2009, watch out. I have lots to prove and even more energy to throw out there. Anybody want to come feed the ducks in my new front yard - a 55 acre park full of ducks, casting ponds, basketball hoops and teeter-totters? My door is always open to my friends, old and new. Email me for the address... we have room to spare and a couch if you need a place to crash. Nobody will be turned away. If I have a crust of bread, I'll share it. And the universe will always provide.

7. I have two completely phenomenal kids that love each other (when they're not trying to poison each other) and a bunch of friends for whom I would do anything and vice versa, and a really cool dog that, although not perfect, warms my feet and walks with me and adores me. No matter what.

new days

Some mornings, in a previous life, I used to wake up at 6am, raring to go, with my to do list written, my day planned to the moment and that feeling of power that makes a crazy person say "watch out world, get out of my way!"

Now, it seems to be a rare occasion for me to wake up and not immediately put my head back under the covers, wishing 2008 would just go away, already.

But does a bad year like this one really end on December 31st? Is that magic midnight hour really life-changing?

Here's a thought for all of you out there... if today is all I have, and I need to not look forward to anything other than what I have now, why get out of bed? And no, Makers Mark is not a good answer to that question...

I used to always look forward to New Years Eve, when I was young. The night was full of magic and possibilities. I used to wish I had a date (and never actually did) that would kiss me at midnight and make some kind of mystical beginning with a fresh set of expectations. I'd watch all the action from the sidelines, wishing someone was looking across the floor, waiting for the stroke of 12, and making sure he kept an eye on me so he wouldn't miss out.

Maybe this year it will be more fulfilling than in years past. Maybe all the things I need to do over the next 4 weeks will all be done on time (fingers crossed) and to a better resolution that I expect (please, universe, make it so!) and we'll have a lot more than just silliness to celebrate. Maybe there will be a kiss at midnight. Because its about time this morose and dark hearted girl has a little celebration.

Here's to a new home, a new beginning, new opportunities and a New Year full of hope.

Nightmares don't always come true

I had a bad dream last night. A garden gnome was trying to hack his way through the sliding glass door and attack the dog. Hmmmm. I can't quite wrap my brain around what Freud would say about "attacked by garden gnome".

The other recent nightmare seems much more scary in the light of day. I have been having dreams about being in a homeless shelter with my kids. It really, truly would be the worst case scenario in my already chaos riddled life. I know it's not going to happen, but it haunts me as I look for a second job and a place to live that will take me, my small income, my 2 teenagers and a pit bull. Good lord, what have I done?

So, today's notes from my dearest sister-I-picked, RK, along with her own post about me (which did, indeed, make me cry) were perfect timing. She guaranteed me over coffee yesterday that I would NEVER be homeless - that she wouldn't allow it. That was the absolutely, positively, unbelievably kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. Ever. And I believe it.

So, with the month of December looming large and many, many not good things occurring as I enter that month, I will remember the kindness of friends who are like family, the kindness of strangers, but mostly the feeling of family I get from my few and rare friends who are stuck with me forever. Thanks, guys. Time to pack. Now where did I put that garden gnome...?

Happiness is a feeling that makes you feel good

Life is full of pain. You stub your toe, lose a friend, end a relationship. It's just the way it is. And yet, as human adults, we have a tendency to take each of these setbacks and file them away, almost as a painful reminder that everything good ends up hurting, sooner or later. So what's a girl to do when good things happen? I wait for the other shoe to drop, imagining the inevitable demise of this temporary and fleeting happiness. And that sucks.
But what is happiness, anyway? I thought it would be fun to wiki it. Hmmmm...

Happiness is a feeling that makes you feel good.
Philosophers and religious thinkers have often defined happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. Happiness in this older sense was used to translate the Greek Eudaimonia, and is still used in virtue ethics. In everyday speech today, however, terms such as well-being or quality of life are usually used to signify the classical meaning, and happiness is reserved for the felt experience or experiences that philosophers historically called pleasure.
Happiness forms a central theme of Buddhist teachings, which focuses on obtaining freedom from suffering by following the Eightfold Path. In the Buddhist view, ultimate happiness is only achieved by overcoming craving in all forms. Aristotle saw happiness as "the virtuous activity of the soul in accordance with reason," or the practice of virtue. In Catholicism, the ultimate end of human existence consists in felicity, or "blessed happiness", described by the 13th-century philosopher-theologian Thomas Aquinas as a Beatific Vision of God's essence in the next life.[1] One psychological approach, positive psychology, describes happiness as consisting of positive emotions and positive activities.
While direct measurement of happiness is difficult, tools such as The Oxford Happiness Inventory have been developed by researchers. Physiological correlates to happiness can be measured through a variety of techniques, and survey research can be based on self-reported happiness levels.
Research has identified a number of correlates with happiness. These include religious involvement, parenthood, marital status, age and income. Happiness economics suggests that measures of public happiness should be used to supplement more traditional economic measures when evaluating how successful public policy is.

Good Lord. Even happiness needs to be measured to quantify it enough that we completely remove the human, feeling aspect of it. Happiness economics? What the hell? So here's PGs take on happiness, in a nutshell.

I'm happy when I have waffles and scotch for breakfast at the Driftwood

I'm happy when I open my eyes to an alarm clock that says it's later than 8am

I'm happy when I have a laptop, a mocha and a warm pair of socks, all at the same time

I'm happy when I stomp in puddles. Even if my socks squish - that makes me happier still.

I'm happy when I get a text message from a friend

I'm happy when I say I love you to my son (because I mean it - I never say it if I don't)

I'm happy when I'm reading a good book that I can't put down

I'm happy playing scrabble. Really, really happy. Even when I lose.

I'm happy listening to portishead

I'm happy sitting at the bar at Gino's (too bad they're not open all day...)

I'm happy shopping for presents for the people I love

I'm happy when I work and do something that matters

I'm happy walking my Ezmond through the leaves

I'm happy when I send a note in the mail and put a stamp on it

I'm happy when the phone doesn't ring for an entire 24 hours

I'm happy in the tub with my bubbles

I'm happy when I finish a project

I'm happy when I paint- wall or canvas

I'm happy when I sharpen pencils

I'm happy when I figure out a difficult problem

I'm happy when I rub buddah's belly - even though buddhism says happiness is the complete removal of craving from my life. Why would I want to do that? If not for cravings there would be no Ben & Jerrys.

OK - take my list (and this is just a partial one that I spent less than 5 minutes creating) and hold it up against the definition. Do I really defy explanation that much? 18 months ago, happiness was fleeting and rare - sometimes I wouldn't see it for days, even weeks. I had things. Lots of things. And enough money to thrive, savings accounts, the ability to do and see and shop. Today, even without a permanent job, a place to live, a car I can afford, the savings gone, I have found so many things in my day that make me happy - and every day it gets better. The happier I am, the happier I get. Not that the chaos isn't making me nutty. Not that I am happy to be poor, unable to do the things I want to do, staring at a pile of medical bills I can't pay and working through my son's health issues, my daughters anxiety, my need to feel loved. And yet there it is, plain as day. I'm happy.

When all else fails.....

...take a bubble bath. That's my new mantra. I want to be one of those girls who hit a wall on a project and go "I think I'll go shopping for shoes." But I'm not really like that. I angst about things, think things through for about 2-3/4 hours too long, and basically suck the life out of any room if overwhelmed with the details - because I'm so busy thinking about it, trying to figure out, I'm not actually getting anything DONE. Which I am. Today. Keep your distance.

So, back to the list of good things that are happening do I merrily go. I repeat them in my head and thank the universe for my health, my friends, the dog, my favorite scarf. You know, the orange one. And I do what the little engine does. "I think I can, I think I can..." But I know I may not be able to avoid stress, drama and spiteful vengeance at the moment. Worse, I know things are going to get worse before they get better. It's like watching a comet approach the earth, wondering if it will hit - or miss. Please let this one miss... please.

So tonight I will take my Mr Bubble, my candles and a really nice glass of something cold to drink in by the Jacuzzi. And I will pay homage to the wonders that are the bubble bath. And be grateful that I have hot water, soap and Caramel scented candles. Really - they smell like caramel. The dog ate one - somehow, I don't think they tasted the way he expected. Isn't that typical...

The Lake

Everybody probably has a recurring nightmare. One of those deep, psychological burdens that seems to appear with little notice, when we want it least, to shake us out of a stupor. My troubling old dream was back with a vengence last night - and now, of course, I feel very restless and frustrated. I thought I'd finally purged it.

I have a fear of water. I think I was fine with it as a small child, but I had a traumatic experience with a sneaker wave at Seaside when I was small, remember my father desperately searching for my older brother who was swept away by the wave as my little brother and I sat on the sand, watching, helpless. He was pushed back to shore, thank goodness. But I remember the terror my father felt and feeling completely helpless. And I remember the moment when the wave ha washed completely over our heads, knocking us down and trying to sweep us away, too.

Not long after that event, I started having the dream. It's dark outside and I can smell and feel the water around me but I can't quite see it. I realize I must be on an island of some sort because my feet are dry but it is so dark out, there's no moon, I can't see a thing. Slowly, the clouds move away from the moon and I can see myself on a lake (I think it's the lake from Camp Fire camp, only bigger) and I'm on this little island. I am absolutely terrified, but I can't figure out why. I have no boat but I don't think the water is deep - I could wade to shore if I wanted to. But I don't leave the safety of the island. Slowly, I feel peaceful relaxation come over me and I'm confused as to why I would suddenly feel safe, after being so afraid.

Normally, I would wake up while still afraid and look forward to a full night of reading, tossing and turning, avoiding sleep until the after effects of the dream would leave me in peace, finally. Other times, I'd wake up feeling more peaceful and I'd fall back to sleep. I always seem to wake up from this one, though, not just slep until dreams changed and became something else.

Last night's dream was different. I was on the island but someone was sitting on the shore. I could just see a shadow. I wasn't afraid of the person, but they made me nervous somehow. I called out "Is someone there?" and he or she stood and started to walk away. Which made me immensely sad. So, I decided to try to wak across the water. Remember, in 35 odd years, I've never left the safety of the island. Normally, I just sit there.

As I set foot in the water, I realized there was something under the surface. Of course, visual person that I am, I immediately pictured the people under the water in Lord of the Rings, faces staring blankly up and hair flowing in the water. It was completely creepy and suddenly I felt like I was breathing liquid. I couldn't breathe. I woke up with a start, gasping for breath as though I had been suffocating. It took a long time to catch my breath and get back to sleep.

And I immediately picked up where I had left off in the dream. I felt, again, like I was breathing water, but this time I went with the feeling instead of fighting it, and found that breathing water was easy. I walked through most of the lake with the water only knee or waist deep and suddenly stepped off the shalow into a deep ravine that I'd been unable to see. As I fell deeper under water, I saw a shadow of what looked like a tree. I grasped it with all my strength, completely sure that if I hit the bottom, I'd never get back out of the water again.

And then I heard a voice. "Let go," it said, and I knew it was right, that I just had to let go of the tree, feel myself float deeper, stop being afraid of what would happen next. So I did. I let go.

My eyes were closed, but I could feel myself falling deeper in the water, still breathing just fine, like it's totally normal to inhale water through my lungs. I felt myself settle on the bottom, sat down and focused on breathing, nothing else, just the intake and exhale. Over and over.

After a few minutes, the water was getting warmer and I felt like the time had come to open my eyes even though I was a little afraid of what I'd see under the water. When I did, I realized I was no longer under the water but on the shore, dry from sitting in the brilliant sunlight. And I saw the shadowy figure leaning against a building ahead. Just waiting, patiently, for whatever it was I would do next.

Then it occurred to me - I was off the island. I've spent my whole life there - sitting, waiting for something to happen, afraid to take a step. Being cautious and guarded brought me a sum total of nothing.

Here I am - starting over. No job, no place to live, no vehicle (I think I'll cry when I say goodbye to the Jag, as stupid as that sounds) - but I get to decide who I want to be in this chapter. And the prospect of starting over feels a bit like an adventure, when I'm not freaking out about all the little details that overwhelm. Hmmm... I wonder where I'll be in a year? And who the person standing in the shadows turns into? Stay tuned, I'm betting you won't want to miss this.