2am

On this lovely Friday morning, with a very warm day to come and a sleepy attitude all around me, I started thinking about the past year - and more interestingly, what's to come.

I think we learn a lot about ourselves during times of crisis and stress. I couldn't tell you how many sleepless nights have left me exhausted, stressed out and hardly able to function - since I've been out of work, since Keith got sick and especially since Jessie died. But the last 2 nights have been something else. Bedtime comes and I can't seem to shut my mind off. I found some interesting new shows I'm not ready to admit I liked (ever seen Mobile Home Disaster? It rocks!) and have been without a good book to read when I get desperate - I've got to get to the library today.

But instead of feeling wiped out and cranky, I feel envigorated. My kids are finally healthy (for the moment - knock on wood) and my house is easier to clean now that I don't have piles of dog hair to sweep and vacuum. But something is missing, and it's an interesting phenomenon to have discovered, at 2am, what that is.

My dogs have always been company for me. Yes, I humanize my pets - that's why they always have human names. I do make sure I try to act like pack leader (thanks, Cezar!! - but you'll notice I said TRY. Got some work to do there...) and also have some pretty strict rules about puppies. No to the couch, the bed and the kitchen. No people food. You walk nice or I put on my angry mom face - don't even think about dragging me down the block!

So, at 2am this morning, I discovered that my friend Mary is right. I'm already thinking about the next one. If I listened to the little devil on my left shoulder, this would be a weekend for someone new in the household (His name's Hildago - isn't he gorgeous?!?!)

I have my first puppy crush in a very long time. He's a rescue and he has the most interesting personality, if you believe what you see on OnDemand. I love cable at 2am, and I love the idea that I can get a mini dog fix without having to go to the shelter - I'd come home with someone, and I'm not in a position where I can do that. Yet. Really. I know I can't, I know I can't, I know I can't. But yes, I want to.

But guess what else? A part of the grief over losing Jessie so suddenly seems to have been replaced by the joy of remembering the fun and exciting and exhausting days of her puppyhood. I was the one who sat up with her at night, I house trained her, I played with her, we sat in the backyard at 2am, watching the stars together, completely covered by a quits with only our faces poking out. When she couldn't sleep, I'd get her outside and run her around until she was sleepy and ready to go back in her crate. It was June of 2001 and it was so much fun to smell puppy breath. She used to sigh this really big sigh when she was happy. All the way up until that last really big sigh a few weeks ago, it was the way I knew she was content. She used to pretend she was annoyed and sigh... she was such an attention whore.... but I loved it, every time. I thought I heard it a couple times over the sounds of the tv last night. I'd like a cold nose pressed against the side of my face to wake me when I fall asleep on the couch at 2am.

Jessie knows she's irreplaceable, wherever her spirit hangs out. She is totally one of a kind. She also knows I might as well be missing an arm without a dog to walk and sit with and let up on the ugly old kids couch when nobody is watching. I figure when the time is right, she'll make sure I find the next dog I'll fall in love with. After all, next to Rosie & Jessie, when there is a next one, he or she is going to have some big footsteps to fill.

Now for the lecture - there are thousands of animals that are put to death every day in the US. If you have room in your heart, your house and your budget for a new pet - adopt someone. Make sure you know what you're getting into. Dogs have to be walked, fed and groomed. A healthy pet can cost $1000 a year. And that doesn't include emergencies. Invest in good pet insurance. Don't be in a position where you have an emergency and have to make a life or death decision about how much you can afford to spend. It's worth the investment. But if you can't do it - don't. Please, don't make another animal into a statistc because it's cute and cuddly when it's a baby - but you can't deal with it when it turns into a 150 pound great dane that you don't have time to walk.

One day very soon, we'll be sitting in an office at one of those shelters, picking out a couple new best friends. I'm told we're getting two... and I can't wait for that first walk around the lake.