Running away from home

When I was young, I didn't always get along with my brothers. After all, the three of us were very different.

I had the studious yet oddly controlling older brother (dubbed "cop" when we were little and "psycho" when we got older because of the leering looks we'd get as he sat in the corner, making sure we didn't screw up).

My younger brother and I were close but that made it even more challenging. I was raised to be very boy-like because of these two and all the time spent with my dad, since Mom worked. I played football, basketball, baseball and - my personal favorite - "pain". You know, where you give someone a burn with a match and see if they cry. I cried a lot when I was little, learned to save my tears for later when I got older.

But we had fun. We really, really did. Younger brother and I used to operate on his stuffed animals (thus I learned to repair just about anything because he'd always cry later when his monkey had no stuffing). We had a "Speed Racer" club in our garage with a secret handshake required for entrance. He helped me learn to love kids and made me into a great and much-in-demand babysitter.

When we argued, though, it was something to behold. We could fight like no siblings I've ever seen. He knew my soft spots and would say terrible, horrible things. Call me fat (yes, at 5'8" and 79# I was anything but - but I still hated that). I would leave cayenne pepper on his pillow. Or blow up his GI Joes with a firecracker.

But when my dad was in one of his moods, he was always there to stand by me. Sometimes he even defended me. It may never have happened at school when I got picked on (for being a brainiac and making everyone else look bad...) but at home, where it really mattered, he was there.

Once, I decided to run away from home. I couldn't tell you what had transpired to make me think this was a good idea, but I did it anyway. Packed my favorite teddy bear and some crackers in a blanket and wrapped it on a stick. I was all about effect, after all, and I wanted to look like I was running away. I ran all the way to my next door neighbor's back yard. I hid under her squirrel feeder near her garage, made myself a comfy spot in the sun and proceeded to fall asleeep - still a favorite pasttime when I'm stressed.

It never occurred to me that they'd actually miss me or that I'd sleep until after twilight - the rule being that you had to be home when the streetlights came on. It was summer, so it had to have been about 9:30 when I awoke with a start. To find my little brother sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up. He'd followed me over shortly after I'd fallen asleep and stayed with me so the raccoons didnt pee in my hair (or so he said). He risked a major spanking by staying out late but told me he wasn't going to leave. He didn't wake me up. He left me in peace and watched over me.

As an adult, I've rarely had that feeling of safety that my little brother used to give me. I think part of it is a lack of expectation on my part. I'm a tough girl, I don't need anyone, I'm just fine, thank you. I have been through a lot and came through most of it with a good attitude and hope for the future. But that doesn't mean that it wouldn't feel nice to have a sentry now and then.

Maybe one of my wish list items should be that feeling of security that's been missing. That knowledge that, no matter what, I know someone watches over me when I sleep. Has my back. Is quietly there, ready to hit any raccoons over the head that come near. Will stand up to someone else for me. Just because I don't need it doesn't mean I don't want it.

Free

Hello, all. This morning, happily, I can see my floor. And there are only 5 boxes left to be unpacked in my office. Half a days work at best. And yes, I have been putting in 20 hour days here and at the old place for the past 3 weeks, which means I basically fell off the face of the earth.

Moving from a way-too-large house to a much smaller one has had many interesting discoveries attached. My kids and I love each other and laugh a lot about sharing one bathroom. We get cozy together in the evening and watch movies and play games. Life is amazingly good even with some bumps in the road to still bace for.

The coolest thing about this move is that it's giving us a chance to purge. Majorly. A garage sale like no other is in my future. But I think I may have to do something a little different....

How many of you have struggled and needed things in the past? I had one of those years last year but was very fortunate to have people step in repeatedly just when things looked bleak. We never went without (thanks in a large part to RK and Mr RK and their families) and I feel fortunate to walk into a new year with affordable rent and enough to eat. Aah, the little things in life.

So, now that our struggles are behind us, I think it's time to pay it forward, as they say. We have all this stuff. And a lot of people don't have enough. And I have all sorts of friends who have given things, little and big, over the years. Now, I have stuff and those people are going to get dibs on it.

My impending garage sale will start with an invitation only event. Where everyone I love and everyone I know will be invited to come select one or two or twenty items from our discard pile and take it home. We don't have any junk here, it's all good, usable stuff. And I want you to have something that comes from my home and that means something to me. With a little Rachel love attached.

Then, once the friends have had their shot at the goodies, we'll open the doors to the neighbors. No big signs - we will let word of mouth spread that there's free stuff. For anyone who needs something. And there'll be cookies and soda and popcorn and great conversation. And I will get to know my new neighbors in the best way - by welcoming them to my home and my life, by making them into my new friends.

Love, loss and DDR

It's a big day in my world. My little girl turns sweet 16. Oh, the expectations she has - of this birthday and of the world. We've been through the worst 2 years anyone could imagine and are closer than ever - she, her brother and I. We see light at the end of the tunnel on a lot of issues. She is finally off antidepressants and sleeping at night. We're close to taking her off other meds that have side effects she doesn't like. She's painting, singing and trying to laugh as often as possible. Her hair is still blue, the cat ears are still present daily. All good things considering the dark despair that overwhelms her at times. All of us suffer from it a bit, I know, but this little girl has more dark places than most people see in a lifetime.

We're in the middle of a move to a new house that has lots of potential and very few square feet. Oh, and one bathroom. I've never felt closer to the kids. We laugh a lot. We play on the merry-go-round across the street, chase ducks, look for stones to skip in the casting pond. I have wonderful neighbors, a kind family and amazing friends who have stuck by me through this horrendous and chaos filled time in my life. I wake up every morning grateful for what I have and thanking the universe for the positive things to come.

Birthdays mean everything in my family. All we want and expect is complete and utter devotion. Presents aren't quite as important as love. Kindness. Baked goods. So, for Sara's 16th birthday, I have some wishes I want to give her.

1. I wish she keeps her strong attitude and determination

2. I wish that as she gets older, her anxiety will quiet more often and be more easily managed

3. I wish she will have a chance to meet wonderful new people throughout her life

4. I wish her love from her family and friends

5. I wish her a really cool birthday party today that meets all her expectations

6. I wish that she finds hope where there is darkness and peace where there is chaos

7. I wish she'd clean her room more often ;-P

8. I wish she could see the beauty in everything

9. I wish that we'd have more happy days than sad ones

10. I wish that the new world that is beginning would be good for her and all the young people of the world

11. I wish that she would recover from heartbreak quickly and see the benefit of loving with your whole heart

12. I wish that her friends were closer and could come over more often

13. I wish that her room didn't glow in the dark

14. I wish that her brother will always be her best friend and confidant and protector and that she will be the same for him

15. I wish that she will always love to cook be adventuresome in the kitchen

16. I wish that she would know that I admire her for everything she has accomplished and that I will always be proud of her

Sixteen silly wishes for a girl who turns 16 today. I also wish I could beat her at Dance Dance Revolution but I don't see that happening, since she's a DDR shark!! The crew will have a blast at her party today - Sara is very generous to others. And, she should feel the love from every angle as we wander through this new adventure. Together.

Review Time

When I was a boss, I always did reviews of my employees. Not the kind you normally think of - when I tell them where their strengths and weaknesses are, try to encourage growth and ask them where they'd like to improve.

Nope - they had to review me. As their boss and as a person.

I have kept each and every one of these reviews. The language of them shines a beacon on the type of employer/employee relationship we had. For those who worked hard - imperfect as they were - I seemed to receive decent reviews about how I step in to help, offer the option of support (I always told them to raise a red flag if they needed an assist) and that I was good at team building.

But the one that stands out most in my mind is one written by someone who didn't like me very much. She had lots of reasons to resent me (as anyone would who has been replaced) and vented voraciously in her review....but she wrote one nice thing among the poison.

"Rachel has an interesting way of keeping friendships and work relationships in their proper place. I feel that she has my best interest at heart no matter the circumstances or my attitude and I appreciate her candor. She never surprises anyone but makes sure the entire team is aware of upcoming issues."

Hm. All this from the woman who made a Rachel voodoo doll. Which I still have, thank you very much.

Running across my file of reviews from the last 12 years reminded me of a birthday tradition I intend to keep this year. It's review time.... not of myself, but of what the world has offered. Here's my top ten off the top of my head...

10) I have the coolest, most supportive, never to leave me in the dark no matter what, group of friends. Vastly different and unbelievably complex, these guys are irreplaceable.
9) Amidst loss there is always light. I had to put my dog to sleep in May and was devastated. I swore I'd never get a dog again, that it hurts too much to lose one we love.... and discovered Ezmond not 2 months later. He warms my feet when I'm cold at night and he gives big, wet, sloppy, knock-you-down kisses. And he makes me feel whole.
8) Fear doesn't really have a place in my world. Being afraid of something wastes a lot of time and energy when, in all reality, the things we fear are rarely the things that hurt us. So why bother?
7) Nothing beats a day of the blues like a good hour roller staking with your best friend to organ music on a Sunday.
6) Photobooths rock
5) January 1, 2008 I had an email account and a web site. Now, I blog and am on facebook, myspace and twitter. And, I've reconnected with 4 very good friends, any number of former coworkers and acquaintances, and made many more. Actual friends from virtual contact. Who would have guessed.
4) I've always had this need for a sister, and I found her this year - in the form of a kindred spirit that warms my heart when I least expect it and need it most. And she's damn funny!
3) Purging stuff is cathartic. About to move, I'm making a major play to reduce what I have by 2/3. Really. Getting rid of a majority of the stuff I've collected, paring down to the basics. If I don't love it, I don't need it.
2) What goes around does truly come around. All those years of being super-cheerleader-supportive-loving-giving Rachel has returned things to me that I cannot even being to describe. I can't wait to be on the giving side again.
1) Love is not something to fear or hide from. In all its forms, it brings great joy and immense sorrow. And I wouldn't take back saying those words any of the hundred times I have.

I wish you new beginnings in this next year as I go exploring, looking for my own.

Can I just say I've always had a thing for the UPS guy?

The world is a rather strange place sometimes. I'm so excited about my new place (as I cough from the possible asbestos and icky mold that came up with the carpets an my mom proceeded to SWEEP in my general direction) that I hate being stranded in the hills, waiting for the thaw. I almost said spring thaw but am afraid I'd jinx myself...

So here I sit, boxing stuff I don't like, thinking of all the things I need to sell (anyone need a good fridge?) and working laboriously to make Christmas happen for the kids. We put up the fake tree yesterday. No ornaments, but it's a tree. I guess. Remember that Charlie Brown Christmas Special?

Then I looked at the tracking data from UPS for the couple hundred dollars worth of Christmas I ordered from amazon.com early last week. Um - I thought I did the right thing since I couldn't get out because of the storm and figured we couldn't get out much this week due to the move. Now UPS tells me that an act of God has delayed the packages. Do you think God could postpone Christmas for me, then?

So I scrambled - to buy a couple goofy little things to wrap and put under the tree. And, I'm printing pictures of all the gifts they'll get - whenever the UPS trucks dig out. They'll open the right number of boxes, they'll just be empty of the actual item they're getting. I can see it now, "Aren't you excited about the boots, Sara? When they get here..."

But can you imagine the day these guys will have tomorrow - Christmas eve? My doorbell may be ringing at midnight and I may be wrapping until the wee hours - but doesn't that sound like fun compared to the poor drivers from DHL, UPS and Fedex who have been sitting on their hands for days? Who will probably get yelled at when they come to any number of freaked out parent's doors tomorrow? Who will be blamed for the delays in arrival of every pair of jammies, every turtleneck from Lands End? Every Coors neon sign for a 14 year old boy (don't tell Sean) and every black kitty hat for blue haired 15 year old girls? Because, after all, my poor planning (or actually just being poor) becomes their problem when we get 18 inches of snow one day.

I plan to make eggnog - the good kind and the really good kind - and share with anyone who rings my bell tomorrow. And those guys who deliver my packages.... theirs will be the very good kind. My hero, UPS man.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my

I think of the Wizard of Oz when I think of my life at the moment. Flying monkeys and wicked witches with green skin and scary hats don't seem so crazy in the grand scheme of things.

We are the product of our environment, after all. I seem to fall into old patterns when things go sideways - as the past 2 years will prove.

I felt like I don't deserve a decent job

or decent house

or a decent pet

let alone a decent relationship

But my daughter reminded me today, bless her heart, of all the things I DO RIGHT. That's correct. Things at which I do an acceptable job. Are you ready? Join in and make your own list.

1. I can bake cookies. Homemade ones. Chocolate chip, oatmeal, snicker doodle, cowboy, peanut butter, fudge... that, by itself, makes me a good mom.

2. I am infinitely patient. As more than half an hour in a freezing car outside the library, waiting for said daughter to emerge with the latest excuse for taking so long, will confirm.

3. I'm the cool mom. We do fun stuff. Zoo trips to take pictures of poo, homeschooling to include Journalism through the eyes or the readers of the Weekly World News, dog training with steak as motivation, music appreciation via Brian Setzer Concerts at the age of 5.

4. I can make the best of every situation. I'm alone, have little income and a pit bull, but seemed to have found a really awesome new place to call home today. Amazing (see picture, above).

5. I BELIEVE. That good things come to those that work their butts off. That love given is returned tenfold. That there's nothing better than homemade pumpkin pie, a fake tree full of sparkly white lights and a fresh coat of paint on Christmas morning. In 2008. And we won't go without Christmas this year.

6. The future will be what I make it. 2009, watch out. I have lots to prove and even more energy to throw out there. Anybody want to come feed the ducks in my new front yard - a 55 acre park full of ducks, casting ponds, basketball hoops and teeter-totters? My door is always open to my friends, old and new. Email me for the address... we have room to spare and a couch if you need a place to crash. Nobody will be turned away. If I have a crust of bread, I'll share it. And the universe will always provide.

7. I have two completely phenomenal kids that love each other (when they're not trying to poison each other) and a bunch of friends for whom I would do anything and vice versa, and a really cool dog that, although not perfect, warms my feet and walks with me and adores me. No matter what.

new days

Some mornings, in a previous life, I used to wake up at 6am, raring to go, with my to do list written, my day planned to the moment and that feeling of power that makes a crazy person say "watch out world, get out of my way!"

Now, it seems to be a rare occasion for me to wake up and not immediately put my head back under the covers, wishing 2008 would just go away, already.

But does a bad year like this one really end on December 31st? Is that magic midnight hour really life-changing?

Here's a thought for all of you out there... if today is all I have, and I need to not look forward to anything other than what I have now, why get out of bed? And no, Makers Mark is not a good answer to that question...

I used to always look forward to New Years Eve, when I was young. The night was full of magic and possibilities. I used to wish I had a date (and never actually did) that would kiss me at midnight and make some kind of mystical beginning with a fresh set of expectations. I'd watch all the action from the sidelines, wishing someone was looking across the floor, waiting for the stroke of 12, and making sure he kept an eye on me so he wouldn't miss out.

Maybe this year it will be more fulfilling than in years past. Maybe all the things I need to do over the next 4 weeks will all be done on time (fingers crossed) and to a better resolution that I expect (please, universe, make it so!) and we'll have a lot more than just silliness to celebrate. Maybe there will be a kiss at midnight. Because its about time this morose and dark hearted girl has a little celebration.

Here's to a new home, a new beginning, new opportunities and a New Year full of hope.