The Lake

Everybody probably has a recurring nightmare. One of those deep, psychological burdens that seems to appear with little notice, when we want it least, to shake us out of a stupor. My troubling old dream was back with a vengence last night - and now, of course, I feel very restless and frustrated. I thought I'd finally purged it.

I have a fear of water. I think I was fine with it as a small child, but I had a traumatic experience with a sneaker wave at Seaside when I was small, remember my father desperately searching for my older brother who was swept away by the wave as my little brother and I sat on the sand, watching, helpless. He was pushed back to shore, thank goodness. But I remember the terror my father felt and feeling completely helpless. And I remember the moment when the wave ha washed completely over our heads, knocking us down and trying to sweep us away, too.

Not long after that event, I started having the dream. It's dark outside and I can smell and feel the water around me but I can't quite see it. I realize I must be on an island of some sort because my feet are dry but it is so dark out, there's no moon, I can't see a thing. Slowly, the clouds move away from the moon and I can see myself on a lake (I think it's the lake from Camp Fire camp, only bigger) and I'm on this little island. I am absolutely terrified, but I can't figure out why. I have no boat but I don't think the water is deep - I could wade to shore if I wanted to. But I don't leave the safety of the island. Slowly, I feel peaceful relaxation come over me and I'm confused as to why I would suddenly feel safe, after being so afraid.

Normally, I would wake up while still afraid and look forward to a full night of reading, tossing and turning, avoiding sleep until the after effects of the dream would leave me in peace, finally. Other times, I'd wake up feeling more peaceful and I'd fall back to sleep. I always seem to wake up from this one, though, not just slep until dreams changed and became something else.

Last night's dream was different. I was on the island but someone was sitting on the shore. I could just see a shadow. I wasn't afraid of the person, but they made me nervous somehow. I called out "Is someone there?" and he or she stood and started to walk away. Which made me immensely sad. So, I decided to try to wak across the water. Remember, in 35 odd years, I've never left the safety of the island. Normally, I just sit there.

As I set foot in the water, I realized there was something under the surface. Of course, visual person that I am, I immediately pictured the people under the water in Lord of the Rings, faces staring blankly up and hair flowing in the water. It was completely creepy and suddenly I felt like I was breathing liquid. I couldn't breathe. I woke up with a start, gasping for breath as though I had been suffocating. It took a long time to catch my breath and get back to sleep.

And I immediately picked up where I had left off in the dream. I felt, again, like I was breathing water, but this time I went with the feeling instead of fighting it, and found that breathing water was easy. I walked through most of the lake with the water only knee or waist deep and suddenly stepped off the shalow into a deep ravine that I'd been unable to see. As I fell deeper under water, I saw a shadow of what looked like a tree. I grasped it with all my strength, completely sure that if I hit the bottom, I'd never get back out of the water again.

And then I heard a voice. "Let go," it said, and I knew it was right, that I just had to let go of the tree, feel myself float deeper, stop being afraid of what would happen next. So I did. I let go.

My eyes were closed, but I could feel myself falling deeper in the water, still breathing just fine, like it's totally normal to inhale water through my lungs. I felt myself settle on the bottom, sat down and focused on breathing, nothing else, just the intake and exhale. Over and over.

After a few minutes, the water was getting warmer and I felt like the time had come to open my eyes even though I was a little afraid of what I'd see under the water. When I did, I realized I was no longer under the water but on the shore, dry from sitting in the brilliant sunlight. And I saw the shadowy figure leaning against a building ahead. Just waiting, patiently, for whatever it was I would do next.

Then it occurred to me - I was off the island. I've spent my whole life there - sitting, waiting for something to happen, afraid to take a step. Being cautious and guarded brought me a sum total of nothing.

Here I am - starting over. No job, no place to live, no vehicle (I think I'll cry when I say goodbye to the Jag, as stupid as that sounds) - but I get to decide who I want to be in this chapter. And the prospect of starting over feels a bit like an adventure, when I'm not freaking out about all the little details that overwhelm. Hmmm... I wonder where I'll be in a year? And who the person standing in the shadows turns into? Stay tuned, I'm betting you won't want to miss this.