Don't follow me - I'm lost

Today, children, our topic of discussion will be people. Specifically, people who are not open. Closed off. Closed down.

I was one of these strange creatures, once upon a time. Worried about everything, worked really hard, spent way too much time making an effort for everyone to like me, for everyone else to be ok, to make sure nobody thought anything... gasp... BAD about me. Everyone thought I was just fabulous. And I was miserable. I had this imaginary wall I'd built and I never let anyone past the moat full of alligators and the dragon with bad breath.

It's interesting to see where I am because of - or in spite of - this tendency; to always come out on top; to find success at all costs; to put family, life and love on a back burner and make sure your slacks are modern, your blouse is pressed and that you look better than anyone else as you take them down a notch. Where am I? About to be homeless (ok, I'll find something) almost jobless (I am one of many under-employed people on my city block) and trying desperately and valiantly to decide what the heck I'm supposed to do next. When the world hands you chaos, and you feel like Dorothy in the wizard of oz, and the people who are supposed to be there for you are just adding insult to injury, what do you do?

My first thought? Move. And I'm not talking across town. I don't love it here. Portland has been my home for my entire adult life - except for a couple brief forays to follow boys in the 80s. That's right, I was a guy groupie. I like many things about Portland but dislike even more. I feel like the shelf life of this city may be about to expire. But where to?

Hood River? Oceanside, Oregon? Boston (yes!!!)? London (cool!)? And what do I do when I get there? Bag groceries, walk dogs, babysit? Write?

As most of you already know, I'm a little silly about certain things. Like psychics (Until Saturday, I've only been to one once - and it was an odd experience). Like karma. Like bliss. And, I think I have to wonder if the universe isn't sending me in a completely different direction - as it did my friend Jen - because there's something I've missed in all these years of being strong, tough, independent and alone. Being taken care of.

Not like a child - tuck me in, make me warm milk - but the way us grown-ups should be taking care of each other, the way I've always taken care of the people I care about. Answering a call at 1am. Playing scrabble online. Saying "I wish I was there so you weren't alone." Visiting a friend, or having a friend visit, and making sure they get what they need from our time together. Whether that's an ego boost, a deep breath or a shoulder to cry on. So, if I'm truly looking for a shoulder, I guess I have to open up a little, allow that fear of rejection to run its course. Because I've been rejected - by others, but worse,by ME. I don't want to be closed off anymore - in Portland or anywhere else. Time to start taking applications. Closed off people need not apply.