Feeling my way through the dark

I know, I know... sad and bad stuff happens to everyone. But it feels like the universe has a big bullseye on my forehead at the moment. I lost Jessie on Tuesday. My daughter's anxiety is worse than usual. She has migraines that are unexplainable and debilitating. My son is in the middle of his second sinus infection of the season. I have school attendance offices on speed dial. Poor me, poor me... oh, shut up already, whiner.

In the middle of the night, I awakened thinking I heard Jessie outside, that we'd locked her out. It wasn't until my feet were on the floor that I realized that was impossible. She's not coming back. I wanted to go to the living room and read, the way I've done way too many times in the last few months. But she was always there those nights, with me, wandering out quietly to join me on her pillow, putting a cold nose on my knee first. "I'm here, Mom."

My family are adamant that her spirit is still here with us, they'll hear her walking around or see her out of the corner of their eye. It's comforting to think that they feel her even now. Maybe that's what I heard last night, maybe she was out in the yard, chasing the squirrels and patrolling the house, watching over her family.

I spent the last hour loading up every sad song I could think of on my playlist... and it's cheering me up, go figure. I have some things to donate to less fortunate folks with a dog. I have dog cookies to share with the pooches I meet on my walks, helping me make some new friends, canine and human. My friend Chuck gave me a hug when he heard the news.

I think I'll take that walk around the lake, the one I've always done with Jessie, and see how it feels. I'm bringing her leash along so she'll be there with me, helping me feel my way through the dark.


"I'm finding I'm falling in love with the dark over here... what do I know? I don't care where I start. For my troubles are few and I'm feeling my way through the dark..." ~KT Tunstill