Oops, I did it again

I sit here, in my home office, with the door closed, Beagle at my feet. Not because I'm feeling particularly productive, but because I'm feeling very sorry for this dog. This.... BEAGLE. I'm not so sure I can live with my decision to add him to the family. What do you call it when your pet is making you crazy and you kill it? Are we talking hard time or just an ankle bracelet that would go nicely with my large supply of black clothing?

Greg was supposed to be my sons dog. I love dogs. I love all dogs. Except this one. This one I have nightmares about, hear howling while I sleep (yes, he's actually howling, it's not just nightmares) and yet he's so damn cute, I can barely believe I would ever get rid of him. Until he digs up another one of my plants, eats something that should not be consumed by dogs: (so far chocolate, a sock, a shoe, every leaf that has fallen in the back yard... did I mention I have a LOT of trees?)

He's gorgeous - the saddest, most soulful eyes. And, if I don't do something about this, I will completely lose my mind. I can picture it now. My son goes off to college. There's no place he can find to live with his dog. I HAVE TO KEEP HIM. Wait a minute... did I sign up for this?

So, I had "the talk" with him. Not the sex talk - that was 7th grade. The "if you make a mistake and adopt a crazed beagle that doesn't fit well with your family and the stress makes a bad illness even worse, it's ok to take him back" talk. Oh, and I'm giving him back him adoption money (adopting a cute but sickly beagle that sleeps all the time: $200. Vet bills to make sick beagle healthy: $697.00. Son admits its time to take the beagle back and spend that money on a nice dinner with a girl he likes: priceless.

Any questions?

klutz: noun. A clumsy, awkward person

Clumsy and awkward. That would describe me to a tee. My ballet teacher LOVED me because I was 5'8" tall at 12. Fortunately for me - and also for the WNBA - I didn't grow that much after grade school. Unfortunately for her, I was beautiful, fluid, with movements that would make her cry one moment - then I was a complete geek and would fall over my own feet without provocation the next. No warning, at least at 12. By 15, I was winning regional contests, dancing 4-5 hours a day and basically proving everyone wrong. Later, I earned a living for a while dancing, and that is a rare and wondrous thing.

But I've always been a klutz at the bottom of my soul. Gangly, unsure of where my feet might be, unaware of my surroundings. My mom tells me today that I used to always be looking at the sky, like I was waiting for something from outer space. I'm sure I was just daydreaming - about love, no doubt, that was oh so elusive for me when I was young. A safe place to rest my head. Someone I could trust. I used to sit and watch the clouds go by, wishing for some secret code to be written there that I would understand and be able to follow, like a treasure map. "He's the one. Your heart is safe with him."

I sat in downtown Portland today, watching the faces of everyone that passed me by, just in case. And it was an odd sensation to think that out there, somewhere, is someone else like me, that just wants a safe place to rest their head.

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." ~Carl Jung

Maybe Carl was right. I think it's time for another transformation.

Connections?

You know how it is when you connect with someone... feel like you've met someone for the first time but known them all your life - perfect friends kind of connections. Not hot, lusty, rip your clothes off now or I can't stand it kind of connections. They don't happen all that frequently for me (even though I'm busty - thanks RK for the reminder!!) I have finally come to the conclusion that moments are supposed to be just that - things we can walk away from and remember and hold close to our souls when everything else turns to shit. They may not mean it's time to jump in some new crazy routine, but they can also mean "Don't forget - life isn't all bad." Tonight was that. Nice. A connection. Here's to many, many more.

Back in the same old dull routine

In case nobody told you, sometimes things run in families. In our family, all the oldest kids have slight OCD behaviors (thus bringing into question the whole nature versus nurture debate). My daughter is slightly wacky and won't eat chips unless I give her 3, 5 or 15. Really. She just won't. God forbid I give her two of something. She laughingly asks for hand wipes after touching any number of things and washes her hands meticulously. Especially after being in public.

But what happens when something more sinister runs in a family? You see, my dad has never been completely well. We grew up wondering if today was going to be a "lets go get donuts for breakfast and then hit the archery range" sort of day or "hide under the covers, Dr. Jekyl has left the building" day. We liked the first kind, were terrified of the second. I spent the first 16 years of my life on a roller coaster.

I remember getting yelled at occasionally. I probably deserved it most of the time, just like most kids, but I grew up faced with an ever increasing sense of fear that everyone in the world is like him - unbalanced, unsettled... unsafe. So, I work hard to keep the world as safe as I can for Sean and Sara.

When things got hard with their dad and anger was the order of the day, I blocked him, started to insert myself more vocally and physically in his little "moments" and made off with the kids, leaving him to his own devices. Now, when he's playing well with others, he's FUN. But not always.

The worst part of all of this? I think my original fears have somehow been proven correct by a majority of the people I know. I am drawn to the slightly off-center. Maybe too needy or not needy enough. So lacking in self-awareness that they make a certain president of the free world look like Mr. Rodgers.

But do I have to believe that? I have friends and family that LOVE me. Would do anything for me. Think I'm always calm, always in charge, always rational. They laugh with me and cry with me and love my kids fiercely.

Is crazy contagious? Is it something to be avoided, like I always did with Dad, or embraced, the way my daughter embraces her anxiety disorder, proudly displays her anxious moments with a loud "hey, I'm anxious!!" and shows the world that yes, she's scared, but no, that won't stop her. Do we get to pick our crazy?

If I have to pick, I want to be like Sara today.

Ez

I decided that it's just too dang lonely around this house and brought home my new dog Ezmund on Saturday. What a personality! Talk about a winner.... he walks nicely on a leash, learns very quickly what pleases and displeases me, makes me walk for hours a day (losing 20 pounds will be a CINCH with this guy around!!) and the best part? He turns 3 circles, plops down on his blanket next to my bed and sleeps like a big dog from 10 to 6:30. No middle of the night puppy emergencies. No whining. YEAH!! He even begs to have his leash put back on when we go into the house. I think he kind of likes being my constant sidekick! It does take come getting used to since I haven't had male dogs since I was little. Marking territory is understandable - until it's my sons laundry hamper...

He has the heart (and the attention span) of a six week old puppy, too - and he hasn't met a human, dog or squeaky toy he doesn't love. And happy? You've never met a mellower, more content dog! He went willingly into his kennel when I had to leave for a bit (with all this new furniture, there will be NO accidental gnawings in my house!!) Yes, he has great puppy energy and as long as I'm consistent and make sure the rules are very well defined - and that nobody feeds him off the table when my back is turned - we'll be just fine. Once I teach him that tables are not to be jumped on (especially glass ones), counters don't hold anything meant for him, and the squirrels in the yard are not his tormentors - or his personal playthings - things will be wonderful.

Until then

Have you ever considered how random life seems to be most days? If I choose the turkey sandwich over the veggie... If I go down this street - for whatever reason - instead of that one... if I decide to stay home or not stay home - or whatever I decide to do or not to do. Will the bridge fail? Will the accident happen? Will a war start - or end - or never happen?

Life continues down its own path, whether we like it or not. Some of you may believe in a higher power, like I do. Be it God or Buddah or the energy of the universe. Others believe in nothing, just themselves and their moment on the earth. We all have our reasons for what we believe - be it faith or fanaticism or selfishness. Whatever drives us to be who we are will ultimately drive us to do what we do, good or bad, full of faith or full of mirth.

What happens when a decision you make affects the very length of another creature's existence?

Have you ever been drawn to someone or something, almost unnaturally so? Has there ever been a strong sense that you were supposed to do something, for whatever reason, and you fought it with all your will because you KNEW it was crazy, how could something so simple be destiny or the will of the world or anything more than a messsed up whim? Beyond that, what if you question the validity of the very act of wanting? You, after all, have no right to want. You have no reason to need. You have no destiny of hope, only sorrow.

Or maybe, just maybe, you had your sign. You were told what you were supposed to do. And you didn't do it, to appease someone elses made-up order that rules your world today. Or, to appease yourself, to not take another risk. No more risk means no more pain, right? And, hasn't there been enough, in the last year, for a lifetime? What bad would have come from taking a risk? What life would you be living right now, today, if not for that decision to NOT act. Not yet.

When the ruling and the order become more important than your soul, what happens next?

2am

On this lovely Friday morning, with a very warm day to come and a sleepy attitude all around me, I started thinking about the past year - and more interestingly, what's to come.

I think we learn a lot about ourselves during times of crisis and stress. I couldn't tell you how many sleepless nights have left me exhausted, stressed out and hardly able to function - since I've been out of work, since Keith got sick and especially since Jessie died. But the last 2 nights have been something else. Bedtime comes and I can't seem to shut my mind off. I found some interesting new shows I'm not ready to admit I liked (ever seen Mobile Home Disaster? It rocks!) and have been without a good book to read when I get desperate - I've got to get to the library today.

But instead of feeling wiped out and cranky, I feel envigorated. My kids are finally healthy (for the moment - knock on wood) and my house is easier to clean now that I don't have piles of dog hair to sweep and vacuum. But something is missing, and it's an interesting phenomenon to have discovered, at 2am, what that is.

My dogs have always been company for me. Yes, I humanize my pets - that's why they always have human names. I do make sure I try to act like pack leader (thanks, Cezar!! - but you'll notice I said TRY. Got some work to do there...) and also have some pretty strict rules about puppies. No to the couch, the bed and the kitchen. No people food. You walk nice or I put on my angry mom face - don't even think about dragging me down the block!

So, at 2am this morning, I discovered that my friend Mary is right. I'm already thinking about the next one. If I listened to the little devil on my left shoulder, this would be a weekend for someone new in the household (His name's Hildago - isn't he gorgeous?!?!)

I have my first puppy crush in a very long time. He's a rescue and he has the most interesting personality, if you believe what you see on OnDemand. I love cable at 2am, and I love the idea that I can get a mini dog fix without having to go to the shelter - I'd come home with someone, and I'm not in a position where I can do that. Yet. Really. I know I can't, I know I can't, I know I can't. But yes, I want to.

But guess what else? A part of the grief over losing Jessie so suddenly seems to have been replaced by the joy of remembering the fun and exciting and exhausting days of her puppyhood. I was the one who sat up with her at night, I house trained her, I played with her, we sat in the backyard at 2am, watching the stars together, completely covered by a quits with only our faces poking out. When she couldn't sleep, I'd get her outside and run her around until she was sleepy and ready to go back in her crate. It was June of 2001 and it was so much fun to smell puppy breath. She used to sigh this really big sigh when she was happy. All the way up until that last really big sigh a few weeks ago, it was the way I knew she was content. She used to pretend she was annoyed and sigh... she was such an attention whore.... but I loved it, every time. I thought I heard it a couple times over the sounds of the tv last night. I'd like a cold nose pressed against the side of my face to wake me when I fall asleep on the couch at 2am.

Jessie knows she's irreplaceable, wherever her spirit hangs out. She is totally one of a kind. She also knows I might as well be missing an arm without a dog to walk and sit with and let up on the ugly old kids couch when nobody is watching. I figure when the time is right, she'll make sure I find the next dog I'll fall in love with. After all, next to Rosie & Jessie, when there is a next one, he or she is going to have some big footsteps to fill.

Now for the lecture - there are thousands of animals that are put to death every day in the US. If you have room in your heart, your house and your budget for a new pet - adopt someone. Make sure you know what you're getting into. Dogs have to be walked, fed and groomed. A healthy pet can cost $1000 a year. And that doesn't include emergencies. Invest in good pet insurance. Don't be in a position where you have an emergency and have to make a life or death decision about how much you can afford to spend. It's worth the investment. But if you can't do it - don't. Please, don't make another animal into a statistc because it's cute and cuddly when it's a baby - but you can't deal with it when it turns into a 150 pound great dane that you don't have time to walk.

One day very soon, we'll be sitting in an office at one of those shelters, picking out a couple new best friends. I'm told we're getting two... and I can't wait for that first walk around the lake.